空虚

空虚应该就是我现在的心情吧
想尽办法出来
是因为不想一个人在家
但出不出其实也没什么两样
到了最后还是自己一个人
似乎没人有空
懒得理我

讨厌一个人的感觉
但我又能怎么做呢?
找不到可以充实自己的事情
我怎么了?
为什么那么的。。没感觉?
好假好累
那个笑容怎么都只是挂着罢了呢
就不能是因为想笑就笑吗
撞车后就什么劲都没了
第一天累可以说是应该的
但今天怎么也酱啊?
好想找人讲话
就算自己不讲,听别人说也会很舒服
但就是找不到人
哈哈
看回之前写的贴
跟maggie聊了后
觉得自己好幼稚
为什么在我身边
跟我平岁的都在改变就
只有我那么的不成熟呢
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believe it or not?its juz depands on u

ah soo told me not to take the hill road at night
coz maggie have exprience
the next day after they took that road at night
one tyre pang cet
one involved in an accident
another..
can't remember wat happened de
related to car also
i dun believe at first
but after today
........
it might be juz a coincidence
well
its all depans on how you take it

i take the road yesterday to fetch Cisi to her new house

today after class
i was planning to go back to have my laundry done
then go new world park

coming out from my college not until 5 minutes
**PANG**
my car lost his head

wa~~~~~
can u believe that is my car??
suzuki swift
haiz
well
by law
its my fault
the whole story
it starts like this
i was in a t-junction
and wanna turn down
but there is a honda..
[i dun really notice wat car is that]
coming straight
i turn in coz i still got enough time
but i really dunno what's wrong with that guy
is he panic or wat
if he really wanna avoid from banging me
he should break instate of turning into the same direction
and i thought he wanna turn in and slow down
but he juz keep getting closer to my way
to avoid him
i turn to the left
but still he beng me
and stupid me
instate of pressing break
i press accelerate
to bang the gate
and i didn't notice that
until the car keep moving forward when bang to the net
=.=
the net save me i guess
but that's wat my car became
two "tiang" were down
the air bag didn't come out
but lucky noting happened to me
i still know how to come out from the passanger site
and i really wanna thanks to all that who help me and stay with me when i need help
JUN SHUN..LIK..JIAN YU..YUSUF
SIMON..HUI LING..AH KIM..SIVA
my uncles..aunty..
people who cares and keep on calling me and msg me
YIN LONG..ADRIAN..HAN PING..VERA
my cousin..my cousin's husband
my dad's partner
Cisi was there for me the whole time
ah soo bring me to the bank
and both of them borrow me money
[but didn't use in the end]
really felt grateful for all of u
especially Cisi
**love**hugs**
sorry for all the troubles
and thanks for all of u
love you guys
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梦都是那样奇怪的吗?

梦到你不见了
手机怎么打都打不通
到处找

因为找不到人
所以又气又紧张的
而且为什么我就一个人而另一个不知道是谁就有朋友陪啊
也看得出他们很不喜欢我

过后不知怎么会在车上发呆
听到电话向却没接到
才发现你留了九个未接给我
因为一直听到声音可却不知道是自己的电话在响所以没察觉到
=.=
还真够笨的

梦就酱结束了
因为你突然抱着我
所以醒了

醒来后的感觉
............
只想紧紧地抱着你
睡觉
哈哈

梦就告一段落了吧

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

昨晚在冷气房里睡觉既然留了满身汗
=.=
我神经不正常啦?
过后又起风膜
哇~~~
真是气死我了
赶紧钻进被窝

最近的我还真可怜
每两三天痒一次
害我整天被我班的说我发骚
=.=
没有一天不讲我好像会死掉一样

我妈跟我爸还说我肥去了
脸越来越圆
要我别再吃宵夜了
我也想
可昨晚还没睡肚子又开始饿了
忍~~忍~~忍~~
要省钱和减肥就不吃那样多了
可怜啊~~~
美食

看回上一封帖
觉得
其实可以不需要二选一
只要自己懂得处理
选择权不一定是要对方给你
其实自己也可以改变啊

对!!
不管怎样
加油


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开心还是原则

人家说做人最重要是开心。。但开心的同时也少不了原则。。
我呢?
却只能在哪里二选一
要选哪个好呢?><
这个这个
不行~~~
还是那个好了
=.=
不想
哎~
很多朋友跟我说只要自己开心就好
但是没了原则又觉得很~~奇怪
上个礼拜
选择了开心
是开心了,但却又觉得很平静
或许选择原则的我会很伤心
但我谁都不是
就觉得自己很悲惨
死缠烂打
恶心啊~~~
你关心的不只有我
我没哭
也告诉自己不准再哭
不要再那么软弱
以前的我很坚强
现在也一样
昨天拒绝陪你了
不是很想
但还是做了
[可是下午还是有陪你,还搞到上课迟到..=.=]
结论
————————
————————
还是找不到答案
算了吧
只要不让自己受伤
开心就好
^^
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Weird

felt weird this two days..
going back early and what i do after that??
studying??online??hmm..i guess i'm dreaming..felt moody..doing noting..
hmm..i move here more then half year de..think this will be my first time being at home so early..

am i bad?playful?or wat i'm doing now is juz wat a student should do?
my mood change because of this??
i felt happy whenever i mix around with ppl in studio..
i like to go studio whenever i'm moody..but should i stop this??
like adrian said..if i dun mix with them then who i gonna mix with??
even this two days..when i mix with my classmate..the smile looks fake..
but its not the same when i'm in studio..
...dunno wat's going on with me de...haiz..

GREAT NEWS..
DISASTER manage to gather 6 person as a team..muahahaha..
Ashley is coming back to join us..
ok..now wat we need is to train hard til 30th of may..
JIA YOU!!
[hope that we'll found our 3rd song soon too..^6..]
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everything doesn't seem right..

my parents saw the "love letter" from my college yesterday and called me..
i didn't do much explaination..i had done something wrong..and i deserve to be punish..
the more i explain it juz to find excuse for myself not to get into trouble i guess..
i send a msg for me and told her i'm sorry..

i had been choose to be the assistant of "DISASTER"..
i respect the decision they make but i dun really think that i should be the choosen want to hold this post..i'm the worst in the team..and i really doesn't think that i'm the right guy..
but anyway i'll try my best and help u guys when u need me..
that is at least what i can do..
went out for dinner with maggie, may and vera..
its kinda funny and happy but i can't really laught at all..
at least not LDM..coz i felt sorry for my parents..
and after hearing the pass of soo..my thought gets wider..
i kept silence coz i dun think my advice is good enough for Yi Feng..

lazy to wake up this morning coz sleep very late but still i have no choice..
didn't complete my essay for the whole day..really damn bad mood..
but we had luch with ashley..didn't saw her quite long time..kinda happy..=)
and GOOD NEWS..she might be coming back to JOIN US!!!><
hope she'll come back..i'll arrange the time for her properly too..so that she can dun waste her time for study..
and saw something nice in pet shop..yet its so~~~EXPENSIVE..
didn't get to decide wat to buy for his bday present yet..
but still long..will see how..

haiz my hand and feet still itch ah~~~~TT
so many days de..didn't get better at all..
BO FORM again..hate that i'm alone..
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尽都跑哪儿去了?

一觉醒来还是那么的提不起尽。。又醒又睡了很多次。。
因为只有睡觉就什么都不用想。。也没有感觉跟心情。。
在冲凉房里呆了很久。。也不知道自己在干嘛。。
去上课也像条死鱼一样。。
生病了。。好辛苦。。但应该只是感冒应起的罢了吧?
上完课觉得有点烧。。还是去看医生了。。
睡了一觉。。好像好多了。。可好像是真的病了。。

曾经想过不管那么多。。子要自己开心就好。。
想主动点。。到了最后还是提不起尽。。
不知道我要的是什么?我不想让他觉得跟我在一起很难过。。
希望都是开心的。。
真的什么都不想要。。不想管。。
就算最后受伤的事自己。。
好像见他。。可为什么我一直只会等他开口??
自己就不会主动点??
几时才会改掉只会为人遭想的毛病啊?
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life doesn't seem to be so simple..

wake up early today to take pic for our photoshop project..
kinda admine urself after seeing the pic we took..
but still i dun satisfied..coz i think it can be better..
we went for breakfast after that and back to hostel..
i stay there coz my class starts on 12..
we went lunch after class but i didn't eat anything except red bean soup..
dun feel like eating and i'm getting FAT!!haha..
we continue with our next scene of project..and go back after that since our class is cancled and some of them had test tomorrow..
the hot day make me sick..after my laptop is on..straight----toilet..
had my bathe and watch my clothes..
see the time is almost four..can't get a short nap also..coz soo wanna meet me up at 4..
ah ya..then go online la..=p

lynn was there when i reach studio and followed us to pet shop too..
dunno why..i juz kept silence in the car..
tried to make myself busy by msging and calling my classmate to talk about the project..
soo ask me why am i so quite..i answered him i'm thinking of something..
but dunno why when i answered him like that, i felt regret and strange..
i act odd in the whole journey until we went back to studio..
keep asking myself wat's wrong with me??am i jealous??
dun care..practice my dance..feel like going back..noting to do..
he then ask me will i go new world park??
see the time..left 30 minutes after they depart..so i juz said ya..
i drove all of them there..but didn't go for the bboy gathering..
me and soo went pet shop which is nearby..
we saw an "aiguana" [dunno the spelling] which looks different and nice..
special and unique that make it looks like the king..haha..
we bought all the hermit crab in that pet shop..
wOo~total is RM50.40 for all 7 of them..
he ask me not to tell them that he bought hermit crab..
i said ok..^6..
we then went back to new world park and yi feng ask me wat is that??
i said i bought hermit crab..he then =.=..haha..

it was 10 and started to rain..
vera was waiting for us to fetch her and i tried to speed up so that she won't wait for so long..
but half way back to studio..soo said wanna fetch big lynn from jetty and keep on telling me sorry..coz he forgot about that..
my mood start to..change..
after fetching her..she wanna go toilet..have to find a place for her to pee..
the way back to studio seem to be longer on that time..
i tried to speed and over take cars..but i failed..
and everyone drove so slow..make me hotter..
soo keep on asking wat's wrong with me..i juz make a fake smile and said noting..
after dropping them..i was going to fetch vera..but he stop me..
coz i forgot his stuff is still with me..he didn't close my door after taking all his stuff..
my anger increse..he said he wanna follow me..
i ask him why can't i juz go and fetch her alone now very loud when he was talking to others but he seem like didn't heard that..
in the car he kept asking..ask wat happened to me..
the same thing answer i give him juz now was repeat again..
he said my smile looks very fake..
i answered him that vera is waiting alone for so long and all the stupid cars so slow..
but i dun think so that's the only answer..i juz stop after that..
he ask me my temper should be very bad..
i didn't answer him..and speed to 120 after the trafic light..
he ask me to slow down and said not juz two life in my hand but more then that..
i slow down..but my temper doesn't until we went dinner after that..
i drop vera and big lynn..leave me and him go parking..

他要我过宿舍睡。。一开始我说看先。。
但最后还是心动答应了。。心情又恢复了。。
可最后我还是回家了。。曾经冲动的想就自己直接过去。。
但我很笨。。当他回我讯息是我心已经硬了,在会着半路的当中。。
回到家。。哭了。。很气。。很气。。
可我谁都不想找。。也不想回。。就只想让他知道。。
好累。。好累。。连上网都没上就睡了。。
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everything will be fine when time comes by..

累了。。昨天看了一套很深奥的戏。。"watchman"。。
花了三个小时看到来也三点半了。。以为可以回去睡觉了那知他们又跑去吃东西了。。
回到去叶四点多了。。很累啊~~~
睡没两个小时又要醒。。呜呜。。

Cisi juz went for doctor yesterday after we woke up..
lucky noting happened to her that related to the mouse bite..but juz a small fever..
we then when to tesco to buy some stuffs for her new house..
her new house it AWESOME!!haha..
kinda nice place and felt very comfort there..
she'll be moving there in end of this month..
she ask me to go swimming and stay with her when i'm free and i promise her..
she feel grudge that i'm going to leave soon..
but still we'll spend all our time together as a happy memory for all of us..
I promise..

today break dance class juz left me and diana..but wei li and yi feng join us also..
we learnt a few stuff today..but i'm the slowest to get all that..
hmm..but i didn't give up on every move..
but u know wat??my move was wrong in the begining..
OMG!!that's why i always can't get it la..ah yo yo~~~
but its hard to do also when i get it..
coz it need to use the strength from the waist..
coz of the injury from last time..now my waist will feel pain again after propersly use some strenght from there..sometime even i ddin't do it porpersly it will have the same feeling too..
now its not juz that my knee got blue black but my back too..coz the roll back i did..
can't even sit properly now..but who cares??
as long as i learnt something i felt happy for wat i had paid for..
the class end without stretching..and diana scold me "ki siao" when i ask her to do it for me..
coz i need to do the move in my hip hop dance..so i need to stretch eventough my muscle tingle..
but its kinda fun to stretch..last time i use to hate it..but now..doesn't mean like but kinda fun actually..=p..

we had dinner after that and check for the time for the move..
i'm very tired but still wanna watch a movie so badly coz long time didn't watch de..
our movie was 12.30 and i fetch Cisi back to had a shawer and a short nap..
i can't sleep actually although i'm very tired..
my ex msg me when i tried to sleep..
he ask me my friend like me izit?or i like my friend??
i was like HUH??and wat are u talking about..and didn't reply him anymore..
decide not to bother him anymore..coz like ah ma said..softhearted will let him hurt more and suffer more..

after the movie and supper..i went back hostel..fetching him..
"shaggy" died the day before yesterday..on our way back he suddenly think of her and talk about her..suddenly left the music from the radio..
he kept silence and keep on sigh in the car..
i dunno wat to say..dunno how to comfort him..and keep looking at him instate of the road..
we reach hostel first without the keys..so we have to wait for them to come back first..
we were sitting in the car..suddenly he spoke..
telling me the pass of "shaggy"..i dunno wat to say to comfort him..
guess a huge will help..so i give him a huge..then he told me his fine..
but he's not..i guess he juz need some time..
we walk up to hostel together..he looks didn't change even after smoking until he go to bed..
guess smoking doesn't help anything but wasting money and health actually..

i wanna let vera know that she's not alone..
we can work hard together to pass through our challenges..
there will always be another way no matter wat happend..even the dead end is in front..
we are a team..and we should settle the problem together..
everything will be fine when time comes..
and for all the team members (Maggie, Cisi and Vera)..
pls take care..especially ur knee oh..dun get hurt and regret for it..
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Ps..

Oh ya..i bought 3 rings juz now..
and i carve "Jamie","happy" and "love" for free..
it cost RM35 for all of them..
like my new rings..it looks cool when combine together..
which can cover back my tattoo too..yee pee~~~
we gonna look for more rings and get the same want and carve our name on top of it..

cisi sick jor..
juz pray noting will seriously happened to her and will bring her to doctor tomorrow..
now me and vera are busy doing something..=p
need to think hard for it..

really hope that noting will happened to him..
and he'll be fine soon..
will pray for her too..
miss and love ya..hope u release and gone to heaven..
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a word "why"

lots of "why" in my mind that bothers me..but i try to no take them seriously..
get scold by my dad on saturday..and talk to my mum after that which make me cry the whole day..except when i was with Cisi and when i reach home..
DAMN IT!!!my eyes were so pain and dry when i was in gurney..and i got headache too..
why am i being so useless all the time??even when i'm talking with my mum..
i was shivering while crying..juz to beg them to give me some time..
i can't release my pressure..
"ARG!!!!" was the only thing i tried to make myself cool down..
we had a talk..and both were crying so ugly..but at least we know wat each other need now..
yet its juz one tiny little step that both of us had take..
hope that throught this we can work even harder to be better..
everything will be fine when the time comes..

move to yesterday..
went bukit merah with my classmates..
wOo~having fun with all of them although there is not much thing to play..
but still enjoy the day..
its kinda tired after the half day playing there..
i was a bit angry after that actually..
coz i rush back from taipeng..hope that we won't be late for class..
i let u know wat time i gonna reach b4 i depart..but i didn't know that he's with u and u guys took so long to come down..didn't get ready at all..
i dun like to be late..and i'm sick..i dun mind waiting..its juz that i need to think for others too..
got no mood at all during the class..

soo's dog died juz now..pretty sad..but others won't feel the pain as he does i guess?
"shaggy" is there since he was in high school..it had been 10 years i guess..
everytime when he tell me that she gonna pass away soon..he looks different..
moody and quite..and everytime i'll tried to pull him back..
i dunno he'll cry or not..but when i comfort him by touching his shoulder..
he tried to smile at me..but he looks..like gonna cry..
i leave with any words to comfort him but i send him a msg..tried to cheer him up..
but i guess it doesn't work..
after i sit in front of my laptop only i notice his feeling..thinking back wat had happened and stupid me sending that msg..
haiz..anyway..hope he'll be fine soon..
and all my friends will be happy..
LOVE YA..muackss..
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你要的是什么?

我做错了吗?是不是不应该回那封讯息的啊?
当我知道你发简讯给我时。。很期待却又很害怕。。
期待知道你发的内容。。害怕自己又再当笨蛋。。
为什么你又要发讯息给我呢?为什么过后又要打给我?
是我误会什么了吗?
再跟你说清楚后根本一定尽都提不起。。一直在发呆。。睡觉。。
可你打来后。。又变了另一个人似的。。
一直在想你在电话里说的到底是什么意识?
很多个为什么?
可是不要懂也没必要懂。。
既然已经决定了。。一切都结束了。。就不要再回头了。。

习惯性的让人家疼。。还真习惯。。
但不代表没了谁。。没人疼就会死。。
以前的我也不需要。。现在的我一定也行。。

真的累了。。为什么遇到感情我就变得那么的没用?那么的依赖?
什么都让。。什么都忍。。那不是我。。
不想再为感情而烦。。不想再因为感情而变成另一个自己。。
很有个性的我没感情也活到现在了不是吗?
不需要因为别人而变成另一个人。。
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down one..

今天的考试没读到。。像猪一样睡了整天。。
好累好累。。只想睡觉什么都不想。。
最近都很多事。。但到现在都没有一件事是已经解决掉的。。
自从决定出国后就开始没心在这儿上课了。。
好像逃避现在的生活。。好想让日子快点过。。快点出国开始新的生活。。
但逃避真的解决得了吗?

我开口了。。讯息发出去了。。
这本来不就是我想要的吗?但为什么心还是觉得很不舒服?
透不过气了。。根本没心考试。。但好在一切都已经讲清楚。。结束了。。
不过你不是个坏人。。你很坦白的告诉我一切。。
知道自己的缺点。。不想让我受伤。。谢谢你。。
现在的我只想放多点心思在学业。。
会当若无其事的再做你的朋友。。但这次会让它有个限度的。。

加油!!!加油!!!我要快点没事。。再站起来。。
心情低落快快过的~~~
一觉醒来在努力过吧。。

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tired day..

jian yu drunk this morning during our break time..we went for breakfast..
he didn't eat anything and juz ordered a bottle of beer..
he tried to smoke and ask cigarette from our senior..
OMG!!!wat is he doing??i push his hand and ask him not to..
guess that something had happened in his relationship but i juz keep quite..
"that gal she like doesn't like him at all..and she's good with him coz she's very "hiao""..
my other classmate told me that after that..and i hear that that gal like my other classmate,lik ,which is jian yu bro..haiz..
didn't even get together already like this..
where is the jian yu i think which like a play boy but not dare to play de??
everyone have their own problem..i can't say much also..

lack of sleep ah..juz slept 2 hours last night..
after class i'm damn tired..but still need to go back bm..WTF!!
can't even concentrate on driving also..but still noting happened today..
luck not bad..coz almost accident few times..=p
after going back and pack my stuff i went office to take my road tax [i think]..
but didn't get to see my mum..haiz..dunno wat to do and how to say..
it looks wired if i go and find her like that and got noting to do or say..
so i juz go and find my cousin..too tired until i fall asleep while waiting for her..
my aunty saw me and ask my cousin to call me in..
after going in can't feel like coming out..haha..
but i know everything she told me is juz for my own good..
after that talk is damn late de..i need to go to aus ed to get more info so my cousin went there with me again..
i dunno why everyone was telling me that i shouldn't be so rush..
i still got time to think properly and decide wat i want..but i'm so scare that i can't complete my stuff in time..
wanna settle everything as soon as possible..but should i really do that??or should i juz relax??NO!!!can't RELAX at all..sob sob..wat to do??
i think i should discuss with my parents and settle everything by this two week..

didn't wanna see him..although really miss him and wanna see him..but still saw him juz now..still care how he treats me..
i have been writing the msg for the whole day..
but didn't send it out yet..
didn't even know i should send that out or not??or should i juz decide myself and tell him we should juz be friend??

damn tired!!!!ER!!!
thank you vera for calling me..ah boh i'll be sleeping in Cisi's place..
and sorry Cisi for disturbing u for so long..and worried about me..
didn't get to talk to you and need you to cover blanket for me also[notice that when i wake up]..
Jami3 lov3 Cisi..muackss..^6

Jamie love Cisi coz Cisi love Jamie..
Jamie love Vera and all my friends too oh..
all much take care and stay happy..Jamie too will add oil de..^^
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who is he??

26/2/2009

i dunno him at all..what he want actully??
can't sleep...seeing him so tired but still dun sleep for the whole night..
can't say anything at all..
why do i care about him so much..
can't i juz pretend noting and juz be friend with him??
ER!!!STUPID jamie!!!is it so difficult to not to care bout a person so much??

yesterday only said didn't heard about her but today de saw things that i dun wanna see..
i'm kinda angry that time..when he didn't see me that time he didn't find me at all..but he find her..guess i'm not so important to him only actually..
i should talk to him..let him know that we should juz be friend noh?
when will i see my path way??
i know wat to do..but why i don't how to start??
i wanna settle my studies faster..
comform everything then let u know and that time u might not be so good with me anymore noh??
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did u buried ur own happiness??

why the person u care will always be the want that make u sad??
even how bad he/she is..u'll still like/love him/her..
yesterday i was in genting..watching the compotition..
its was raining and damn cold..but i borrow my jacket to Cisi b4 that coz she was very cold at that time..
i used his jacket when the wind blow into the room..and that time they very preparing for their compotition..
after they finish prefom and come back to find us..i pass him back the jacket..
coz i know he's affraid of cold also..but he didn't use it..
i was sitting beside watching the other dance without a word..
feel like crying coz he dun even care..

i receive a msg after that..
a msg from my ex who want me back so badly..
again the same thing he said.."can u pls give me a chance?"
after so many times of rejection i juz dunno how to reply and i called "ah ma"..
every single excuse that i can give but he still can't let go..
i got no help from anyone coz she's buzy with ah quan also..
sitting alone in the corner and doing noting..he didn't even notice that i'm not there..
but Cisi msg me and ask where am i..she call me to go back and find her..but i didn't..
coz i dun wanna be the sportlight of theirs..
i went to the toilet..coz i felt that i might need it..
thinking that wat had happened between us..and how much he cares about me..
the only thing in my mind and i wanna ask is "am i the same as the other gal u know??"

i told myself not to cry..
i'm leaving..noting will happened and everything will be find..
i shouldn't be like this..bring myself any hope between us..
but some images suddenly come out of my mind..
the view that happened two days ago..
he's very tired..but still..he massage for another gal..and he didn't even give me a msg when he didn't see me..
the tears can't stop running out from my eyes..
i reply my ex and ask him even a gal u love doesn't love u anymore u still want her??
he said yes and the reason..."i LOVE her"..
in that moment..i'm selfish..very very SELFISH..
thinking of accepting back my ex to juz to spent less time with him and let him not to come close to me until i go australia..
i told Cisi that even things started to change when i decide not to..i WON'T do it anymore..
no matter how good he treats he..i won't fall in the same siyuation again to let myself hurt more..

that was the longest time i cried because of him..i told myself this will be first and the last..
i start shiveringwhen i come out from the toilet..
putting on no juz my own jacket but also kuhan's..
can't control myself to stop it..ER!!!!wtf!!!

thought that everything end juz like that..
but STUPID JAMIE always does stupid thing..
we are good after that again..=.=
a lot of things and questions i wanna ask..
from the day i decide to make an end i should be doing that..
no like now..knowing noting..ER!!!hate myself..
i can't continue this anymore..i need an answer..a clear mind..
coz i dun wanna let myself do any nonsense anymore..

everything will be settle in this week..
and sorry "de"..i can't hurt u anymore..
u made ur choice..regret doesn't help..pls let go and feel free..
god bless you..
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