did u buried ur own happiness??

why the person u care will always be the want that make u sad??
even how bad he/she is..u'll still like/love him/her..
yesterday i was in genting..watching the compotition..
its was raining and damn cold..but i borrow my jacket to Cisi b4 that coz she was very cold at that time..
i used his jacket when the wind blow into the room..and that time they very preparing for their compotition..
after they finish prefom and come back to find us..i pass him back the jacket..
coz i know he's affraid of cold also..but he didn't use it..
i was sitting beside watching the other dance without a word..
feel like crying coz he dun even care..

i receive a msg after that..
a msg from my ex who want me back so badly..
again the same thing he said.."can u pls give me a chance?"
after so many times of rejection i juz dunno how to reply and i called "ah ma"..
every single excuse that i can give but he still can't let go..
i got no help from anyone coz she's buzy with ah quan also..
sitting alone in the corner and doing noting..he didn't even notice that i'm not there..
but Cisi msg me and ask where am i..she call me to go back and find her..but i didn't..
coz i dun wanna be the sportlight of theirs..
i went to the toilet..coz i felt that i might need it..
thinking that wat had happened between us..and how much he cares about me..
the only thing in my mind and i wanna ask is "am i the same as the other gal u know??"

i told myself not to cry..
i'm leaving..noting will happened and everything will be find..
i shouldn't be like this..bring myself any hope between us..
but some images suddenly come out of my mind..
the view that happened two days ago..
he's very tired..but still..he massage for another gal..and he didn't even give me a msg when he didn't see me..
the tears can't stop running out from my eyes..
i reply my ex and ask him even a gal u love doesn't love u anymore u still want her??
he said yes and the reason..."i LOVE her"..
in that moment..i'm selfish..very very SELFISH..
thinking of accepting back my ex to juz to spent less time with him and let him not to come close to me until i go australia..
i told Cisi that even things started to change when i decide not to..i WON'T do it anymore..
no matter how good he treats he..i won't fall in the same siyuation again to let myself hurt more..

that was the longest time i cried because of him..i told myself this will be first and the last..
i start shiveringwhen i come out from the toilet..
putting on no juz my own jacket but also kuhan's..
can't control myself to stop it..ER!!!!wtf!!!

thought that everything end juz like that..
but STUPID JAMIE always does stupid thing..
we are good after that again..=.=
a lot of things and questions i wanna ask..
from the day i decide to make an end i should be doing that..
no like now..knowing noting..ER!!!hate myself..
i can't continue this anymore..i need an answer..a clear mind..
coz i dun wanna let myself do any nonsense anymore..

everything will be settle in this week..
and sorry "de"..i can't hurt u anymore..
u made ur choice..regret doesn't help..pls let go and feel free..
god bless you..