what to do??

u suddenly become very good with me..
msg me in the morning when u wake up..
telling me wat u gonna do and where u gonna go..
Cisi said even her bf also didn't told her that..
and the msg we send is more then usual..
but everything change after we meet..

hmm..i also dunno wat to do..
when u try to be good to me that time..i'll try to be not so close with u..
but when i try to be close with u that time..u got no respond at all..
haiz..i really dunno wat to do anymore..
oh ya..wat happened between u and that gal??
didn't see u with her anymore after the movie..

tired!!!
everyday of mine in this week is very very PACK!!!
ER~~~lack of sleep and all the flu makes me headache..
i wanna sleep..sobz~~~
feel like hugging u..TT
haiz..but everything now is the pay of for wat i have done..
so..will try my best to settle everything..

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STUPID JAMIE

why recently u seem to treat me different??or its just i am the one who think too much??
i dunno what u think and what u want actually..
sometimes u seems to care a lot but sometime its in the opposite way..
every time seeing u so close to other gals i feel so bad..
i even try to make u jealous..and sometimes i juz pretend noting happened after i made my decision..but i dunno wat i'm doing and wat i want actually..
every time after i made my decision u make me change my mind again..
every time when i decide no to be close to u and wanna let go that time u'll make me feel like u care for me a lot..
every time juz feel like hugging u and everything will feel better..
but should i really do that???!!!
ER!!!!
wat should i do???
even the msg also i dun think so i know wat to write and send it to u..
i know i need to make a decision and follow wat i have decide..
but why i know wat to do but i dunno how to start and do??
why i'm so stupid!!!!
know what kind of person you're but still wanna miss and care for u..
ER!!!STUPID JAMIE!!!!

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weekend that i didn't expected..

Punisher is a nice movie..i went for that with studio's de people..

Kuhan, Cisi, Vera, Soo, Coco and Lynn..(include me as well also la)..

three of us seems to have same opinion..we don't have good impression with Lynn and Vera starts to feel uncomfortable with her..we were chatting in the car until very run and we juz know one thing HOT~~~haha..

we then go down the car and go to Vera's room but OMG..she was there..

we ignore her..but we didn't say anything bad bout her..Vera was hoping that she won't follow us for movie..but he called her..

ya..as wat i have expected..haiz..

i didn't bother much and keep mixing with Cisi and Vera..coz she's not the person that i can mix around and i try to avoid him..pretend noting happened and play around..ignoring him..

during the movie she sit beside me and he's in the middle of her and Coco..

i dunno why my sight will change to the direction once awhile..

try to see anything happened with them??maybe..but it was funny when i saw her in his bosom..

even i dun like horror movie i'll juz borrow my friend's shirt..haha..

i got noting to say but juz ignore them..trying to remove everything from my mind and concentrate on the movie..i rush out the cinema after the movie as i wanna pee when the movie was showing half way..i decide to let everything go and run away from him..dun wanna meet him if i doesn't need to..pretending noting happened and juz be friends..

he drive her back when Vera is sitting my car and they are staying in the same place..we were chatting in the car until 4..wondering that she's coming back or staying in hostel like the day before..i think negatively and start to bo form again..but she already sleeping in her room..we juz take our stuff and move to Cisi's house..dunno wat happened to both of us..we chat until 7 in the morning without knowing the time..

telling myself that i won't be seeing him this few days and stop thinking of him..

but he left me a msg asking where am i and want me to go collect money from him..

at first i ask Cisi to collect for me..but i forget and went down..but he was not there..

i felt complication and i can take that during my monday class also..but i dunno he dunno what i mean in my msg or wat??he said he'll call me when he reach studio..i got no energy to explain with him and juz take my nap as i was lack of sleep..in the end i still meet him..even when pet shop with him at night..ER!!!wat am i doing???Cisi cried that day..i dun feel like living her alone but i still need to go back..so i pass her to Kuhan..but i dun think so i made a wrong choice..

that day i went back late and thought that i'll be going back penang not so early..

my "kia" come to my house and find me..wat a shock and we plan to go and see ah ma also..

but he called me..i dun really know wat he's saying but i juz know that he want me to fetch him..

i went pacific after that with lots of question marks..the answer %his car got no battery%...==

he forgot to off the light when he go down and can't start his can..but why ME??

he should have a lot of friend in butterworth..even his sis can help him also..why wanna ask me from which is from bm??and we went back his house after that..????????

wat juz happened???coz i'm the only one who always dunno how to say no??

why am i seeing him the whole week????ER!!!

that night i need him so badly..juz feel like having a hug from him and everything will be fine..

i tight and big hug juz like that night when i heard she's staying in hostel..TT

wat i want??i'm leaving..but i still got 5 months..its not long and doesn't sound short also..

i wanna settle everything..it should be like this anymore..

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必经之路

今天问了些资料。。可是越问越乱。。各有各的说法。。每个人的意见都不同。。
过后却跟我堂姐聊了起来。。哭了。。
觉得做人好难。。很在乎家人对自己的看法但却表达不了。。误会越来越深。。越忍越糟。。
我甘愿他们骂我。。甘愿他们告诉我他们的看法也不想像现在酱。。他们越忍就越让我觉得愧疚。。
他们对我很重要所以每个决定都会想到他们先。。尽量满足他们。。
但他们要的到底是什么？为什么沟通是那么困难的一件事啊？
他们越是随我便我越是不知所措。。好想知道他们到底想要些什么？我到底该怎么做?
出国真的解决得了吗？这个决定会让他们安心吗？
好累。。好累。。好多事都在一起发生。。但我很想告诉那个人渣我相信报应。。他会愧疚一辈子的。。现在的我该快点决定自己的未来。。想想怎么让家人安心的同时也了解大家要的是什么。。剩的都不重要了。。

好想抱你。。告诉你心里的感受。。但其实你一点也不在乎。。
是时候放手了。。像Cisi说的。。被伤害的只有自己所以想你坏处多点。。当你是朋友就好
选择离开对你来说或许不是什么。。但我确实很想留下很好的回忆。。所以我回开心的跟你们度过每一天的。。就算只是你的朋友。。我会尽量不去在乎。。不吃醋。。
加油！！没什么是我做不到的。。^^

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bad bad day..

we decide to go toy musuem today..
he send msg to me suddenly after he went out..ask me not to do nonesence..the smile hang on my face quite a long time coz he thought i'm joing to muzuem with tattoo only..and he said he's jelous and dun wanna find me anymore..^^
but after that i think back..jelous doesn't mean anything..friends can get jelous also..
my mood went down during the visiting in the museum..and after i fetch cisi and she ask me about the planning stuff..my mood down until now..haiz..
cisi cried juz now..coz her grandpa juz pass away and she scare she can't see her grandma the last time juz like her grandpa..i can't stand and juz walk up and find kuhan..left vera and her downstairs..see her cry..my heart break..

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sausage finger..

today is public holiday..i got noting to do and plan to see my bettle..i went studio with them after that..but its so boring and got noting to do..i then when pm to do my first tattoo..i thought it will be very pain..but its not wat i have expected..i spend RM100 on the tattoo and it tooks 15 minutes only..a few days b4 i do the tattoo..the price was RM150 and the boss open RM120 when i do but when i finish and wanted to pay..he got no change..end up paying RM100..some said its expensive and some said its fair..coz finger is more difficult for the color to stay..wat i know is my finger BENGKAK like a sausage..twice the size of my other fingers after comparing..haha..

soo's first snake pass away in the evening after a few week sick..he's sad but i dunno wat to say and how to conform him..same thing goes to yi feng..his bike being stolen and both of them were in their DOWN mood..i juz keep quite and wait for tattoo to arrive..he was shock when he heard i make the tattoo..haha..soo told me he's shock too when he saw that..we didn't talk much that day as usual while waiting for tattoo after ur dinner..he said he's going to help lynn to move her stuff to vera's place so he told us to go "jiu guan zi jiao" first and he'll be there after that..both of us were a bit panic when some of the road is closed and there was a bit jam..so ah hong reach there faster then us..we do noting but chatting there..but its quite comfortable sitting there and now only i notice there's a basketball court there..the event end after the firework and they juz took a few pic and we went back to find ah soo..

he was in vera's hostel..when we reach there..vera invited me to her room and the first thing she said was"i wanna see ur tattoo"..OMG!!how she know that?she said soo told her..and through our conversation everything that i wanted to tell him he de told her..something not feeling right happened on me..my mood change but i pretend noting..tattoo then send msg to ask me down..after deric and his friend when back..all of us were talking in front of the house quite a long time..we then change to our next destination, MAMAK to had our supper but we were curious he didn't follow when we decide to not let deric wait for us so long..we then waited him and deric in the shop..until we finish ur food deric appears but there is no sign of him..after awhile tattoo call him and he's still in the same spot..he was angry and said him..

就觉得我不是他喜欢的那个。。只是随便一个女生罢了。。虽然睡前他有叫我把门锁好。。

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自己选择的路。。跪着也要把它走完。。

新年偷偷出门的事被发现了。。虽然我回去时事情已经过了很久。。只是被念两句。。但我还是说出我的决定了。。
以前的我或许会因为舍不得。。因为朋友而改变主意。。但现在的我应该是时候改变了。。
我知道你们都很舍不得我。。都不要我去。。但做了这个决定的我也不好过啊。。你们又看到我做了决定后的样子吗？我又舍得放下我这边的一切吗？
但既然决定了就应该坚持。。我也该想想我自己的未来。。想想什么对我才是最好的不是吗？
开心。。不开心也好。。那或许将会成为事实那为何不开心地珍惜我们现在拥有的每一天呢？或许我是带着有点逃避的心决定出国但80%的决定还是因为省钱。。省时。。想让自己重新开始。。10%让自己学会独立。。不再那么爱玩。。剩的就是考验自己对你的感觉。。也让自己有多点时间了解你。。
现在的我好累。。好累。。不想再去猜测我在你心里到底是站着什么样的位子。。因为你对每个人都一样。。或许到现在的我都只是在自作多情。。也不想再抱什么期望。。因为一次次的希望换来的是越来越严重伤害。。
我想对大家道歉。。因为这件事没有几个人知道罢了。。不是不想跟你们说。。因为事情还没定下。。如果真的决定了我会找你们出来的。。
至于studio的。。对不起。。请原谅我的自私。。我只想跟大家开心的过每一天。。因为我真的会很舍不得你们。。你们是我参过最能参。。最好的了。。虽然你们都很复杂。。但你们都很好。。我会好好珍惜跟你们在一起的每一天的。。
或许大家会觉得我很可笑，很幼稚。。我也不懂自己为什么要酱。。或许只是自己害怕分离吧？
还有保守秘密的别忘了我们的约定哦。。

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cont..

5th of feb
we drop soo's ex to change while waiting tattoo to reach changlun..we then went perlis together to see whether we can do temporary pass to thailand but unforturnately plan A can't work..so we decide to go jetty and see whether there's place to langkawi and also had something to eat..we then decide to divide into 2 groups..one to langkawi and another to thailand..so after lunch me, my sis, ah soo and li shan went langkawi..we plan to go back on the same day..i was sitting beside him and his ex was sitting another side..we were talking and noting happened actually..then she juz lay on his shoulder and sleep..i got noting to say and juz feel strange and remember i wanna go toilet..then i juz walk to back..when i come out from the toilet i saw him..he call me to take pic for him later..i said ok and waited him outside enjoying the wind and the sunshine..about taking pic he ask whether the front part is avalaible?i said juz go and have a look and li shan was sleeping when we were on our way to the front part..the wind is even stronger and very comfortable..that was the first time he request to take pic with me together..but the wind is too strong we didn't manage to take any pic..but i'm happy..not juz because he want to take pic with me but also told me some of his stuff..coz actually we dun talk much and everytime i know his stuff from others..
when we reach langkawi its more costly if we stay over night..so we change our plan again..after chek in and clean up ourself..we went to underwater world..i was damn moody during half way in the underwater world..after we bought some chocolate and some beers for the night..we went to the beach juz beside the underwater world..but that's the first time i can't change my mood after i go beach..haiz..i hate myself being like that..i was sitting alone seeing the wave and my sis and him thought i'm lost..=="..
i then when to find pail with my bare foot for then to put hermit crab coz i got noting to do and they were busy finding hermit crab..but i end up noting but an empty hand and went back to met them to have dinner..i had myself being moody and i told myself to change myself no matter i'm juz pretending or wat ever..but then i still didn't had my dinner..after shopping for tomorrow clothes we went back to hotel to plan the places to go next day and drink..
she was jelous and show her face when she see us discussing for the trip next day when my sis was bathing in the toilet..i didn't even wanna see wat happened then and after planning i juz stand in front of the windows and drink my beer..until everyone was sleeping i still drink and msging with diana..told her everything and juz feel like crying..
i was shock when open the 2nd tin not long..i was drunk..i walk like snake and that doesn't happened on me before..i call diana and told her..and again i try to pretend noting and happy and keep drinking..she scolded me and ask me to sleep early..but i didn't..when i went back to the room he woke up and ask me who i was talking with..i told him diana and he juz continue sleeping and i juz hang the phone and told diana i'm going to sleep..but when i see they were sleeping together i can't control myself and took another can of beer and juz walk out the room..he came out..we were sitting on the stairs and chatting..we go in and out for fews time coz i can't take it when i see them..but in the end he still make me go back room and sleep..and the last time i try not to see them coz he need to drive the next day..he won't sleep if i'm not gonna sleep..so i have to make my mind clear and dun think so much..

6th of feb
last day in langkawi..we woke up very early that day so that we can go more place and play..we went to the beach after finish our hot cup and check out..on the way soo was driving very fast and there were polis and he didn't get the sign when they want us to stop..and all of them didn't fasten their seatbelt except me..and they juz pretend they have dun that..haha..we found a lot of hermit carb which is bigger than yesterday and a lot of nice seashells..^^..
then next destination is the seven wells waterfall..but no one was playing..i was the first want took off the shoes and go to the water..and as for me so playful de won't forget to splash water on them de la..haha..but still didn't enjoy much coz all of them can't play and didn't play..haiz..but that doesn't make my mood down coz if my mood also down then it will be worst..so i play and play and we were wet..i wanna swim there actually..but no one accompany me..pai seh..haha..
we then go to the durian...waterfall..for got the name de..haha..but didn't get to do anything there coz all of them seem to be very tired and juz me and soo..haiz..then we juz to the crocodile farm before going back...the crocodiles there..."GENG"..some are handicap..some dun have tails..some even the mouth left half only..
ur trip end up juz like that..actually i enjoy the trip coz the feeling of bagpack..its so COOL..but the thing is we go with wrong persons..if all of them can play together it will sure be very fun..

ps.looking forward for the next time to langkawi..^^

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cont..

back to 3rd day of cny..
we went charles's place and wake him up at 2..he didn't even change and juz go out like that with his pajamas..=="..we then went soo's house met and went penang..the jam to penang is damn long either from penang bridge or jetty..we then started to play around in the car while we were waiting for the ferry..charles's pic in the ic is damn smart and cute..soo's is like factory's worker and yi fan is so small..haha..we then went for a bowl of ice kacang before going back hostel so that charles can pack his stuff..after yi fan took his clothes we then went back to soo hse and went alor star for raye's farewell..we reach changlun very late and pity charles's sis..need to give her place for me and my sis..but lucky that time she's going to work de..

4th of feb
after having our..lunch..we went to fetch ah soo's ex before we went "lai fa gong yuan"..wOo..that place is damn big and awesome..and it belongs to one dato in that place..he is daMn RicH..he's house is like a mini jungle also..haha..i was uncomfortable with that trip coz i saw something that i shouldn't..so i keep walking in the front and avoid seeing the back..haiz..we then went back to charles's house to decide our next destination "thailand"..we tried a lot of ways so that we can go..but in the end we still can't make it and went back to charles's house to wait for charles when we were on the way to jojo's house..wat we can do is wait till tomorrow to go perlis and see whether we can make temporary pass to thailand or not..we got noting to do so charles suggest to play basketball..i was tired coz of driving so i didn't join them..soo and his ex were sleeping when they decide to go out so its juz 3 of us in the room after they went out..i was sitting on the floor and sleep on the table coz i dun wanna sleep on the bed although there was a place..but he woke up and call me to sleep on the bed..i walk to the bed but i push away his hand and try to sleep as far away as him as i could..but i'm so stupid i knock my head..=="..he try to hug me and i was curious how he gonna do that when his hand was with her..i try to peek and i saw that gal was hugging him and he was trying to hug me..i was very angry..i push his hand away and stood up..he ask me where am i going..i told him i go out awhile..took my hp and car key and juz walk out..feel like crying but still smiling to charles's family and walk out without knowing where i'm going..i then walk to the field behind charles's house and sit there until the sky turn dark..i told myself to pretend noting happened and i should be use to it and stop wat i feel about him anymore..he's not my type..when i walk back the door was close so i juz went to the mini market in front and see wat i can get so that i can change my mood..he msg me..i pretend noting happened and go back to charles's house but juz left 3 of us when i was back..i walk into the room when they were outside and they walked in..i pretend to take something and walk out again..then follow again..i walk in and hope that they won't follow again but he was behind me but that gal didn't follow..he ask me wat's wrong and i juz pretend noting and push him out to accompany her..he said he wanna accompany me..that time i told myself not to think the other side..so i told him he can't always accompany her but we can met in penang anytime..but he answer me we also dun always come out and play..my heart was..i thought this guy doesn't mean much to me coz we know each other not so long..but this trip let me know how much i care and how much he mean to me..but i still push him out..charles and others come back after awhile..we then go for dinner but i took us 2 hours before we can start eating..that was almost 12..=="..but we finish everything..cz starving..^^..but i can't sleep the whole night..haiz

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chinese new year [part 1]

thought this year de cyn will be very boring..coz didn't go travel with family and i usually stay at home during cny if didn't go travel except form 5..
starts with the happy and enjoyable stuff first..maybe with a bit angry and sad..haha..
31/1/2009
i went to visit my grandparents today..but i was angry when i go back coz my aunty is so bad to my grandparents and my uncle is so useless..juz pity them..but they still dun wanna move out..haiz..
move to the next destination..pacific..i went there with soo and ice after visiting my grandparents..soo bought a very special earing and ice bought a neckles..and i got noting..==..
but its good also..no need to waste money..^^..after dinner with my family.. we went to uncle's house to see firework..but a bit dissapointed..coz feng(a 9 years old kid which is very close to me in hokiddo trip) didn't mix around or even say hai to me..maybe he's shy or maybe he juz dun want his friend to say him..i miss him a lot after the trip but he didn't find me at all..haiz..
but its ok..he's juz a kid..
1/2/2009
today is the first day of cyn and i had to wake up early at 5 to drop my family in airport..but my parents not dare to let me drive their car..so six of us have not squeeze in my small swift..=="..
like sardin in the can..haha..but i dun care much coz..i'm sleeping..got no feeling like a dead pig..haha..
me and my sis plan to go to my aunty's hse for a short nap to wait for yi fan..he's joining us during cny..but we got no plan..no event..noting at all..so we go back home and change and straight go to "his" house without any oranges..[sorry aunty..we forgot is already new year..]
we sit in soo's hse for noting for quite a long time..so i took him and yi fan together with my sis to my aunty's house to take ang pou..
we went to charles's uncle's house coz we got noting to do..and dun judge a book by its cover..its a bangalo..it might not be nice but its not juz want u see from the outside..its damn big with pool and pond and even a place to play golf at the back..there are a lot of ppl gambling and singing and children playing with a cute puppy..
after that we went jojo's house..we chat and play with the hermit crab in the garden after eating steamboat..
soo's mouth bengkak after eating the chili..maybe its too sour for him coz he juz "pears"[dun really know the spelling] on his mouth..after that we juz went back and yi fan was telling me his stuff until 5..wOo..i'm damn steam and wanted to sleep when i reach home actually..but he can't sleep..so juz accompany him la..
2/2/2009
soo going to visit his relatives today..so we got no plan except for sleeping..haha..
we went for breakfast + lunch + dinner in MC Donald b4 we went pacific..
that is my first time playing snoker..its quite fun but also hard..charles was there with his cousin too but we didn't see him at all when we plan to go bowling..we know that after we fetch soo and go back again to pacific..==..soo is good in bowling and yi fan bluff me again..everytime juz say he dunno but in the end he's very good with it..
we went singing after our supper and now i know all of them juz dun wanna let go the mike except for ice..haha..yi fan is hungry again after that and i have to bring him for supper again..

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